Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Zoo York

I shocked myself, but I am going to New York tomorrow for a brivanib nursing visit.

I was supposed to go last week -- two days after the chest tube was out. The idea of doing that was so appalling, so paralyzing, so beyond my mental and physical capabilities, that I didn't consider it. What I did consider, long and hard, was dropping out of the trial. When I think about quitting, when I think about staying home tomorrow and for my as-yet uncertain CT scan, which could happen as early as next week, I feel this pulse of relief and life. So what the hell am I doing? Part of it is my compulsive need to finish things. Part of it is that I had my best scan in terms of measurables the last time around. (Obviously, other stuff didn't work out so well, but I don't blame brivanib for that.)

As you'd expect from the lack of posting, I've been feeling terrible and concentrating on pain management, which has taken a huge toll on my alertness. Things have improved enough that I'm hoping I can get through the next 40 hours -- and even have a little fun doing so.


Erin said...

Thanks for posting. Cheers for fun and brivanib and pain meds and LegoLand.

Kathy said...

My son and especially my brother, just loved legos. I am indifferent. They either kept me happy by keeping my active son busy or annoyed me as I removed countless little legos from the vaccum or stepped on them in the wee hours of the morning on my way to the baffroom. Do feel better.

Elsa D. said...

How are you feeling SG?