Friday, August 7, 2009

Trying (replaces "Damn")

The official scan looked much better than what we were greeted with when the doctor first entered the exam room 30 minutes earlier. At that time, we were told that I would be unable to continue, but we can stay in the trial.

I will keep taking the pills, but I will speak with Dr. BT and the trial radiologist will do a more precise review of how I am doing. I don't think they can or would kick me out of the trial befoer the next scan, but I may choose to stop using brivanib at any time if it gets too hard. Fortunately, I feel strong now; we'll just have to see how long that lasts.

I feel totally wrung out and confused. This is clearly the peril of these "wet reads" (eg, instant review). Sorry to alarm anyone; I will update as I get more information and settle down.
Note: This has been rewritten slightly on Aug. 9 to make more sense. A future post will get into my thoughts getting the news we've been dreading -- your cancer has progressed too much for the purposes of this trial, you need to find another approach -- and have them take it back minutes later. I'm still... confused... by the whole thing, but I do think that the decision we came around to was the right one and that brivanib is indeed helping me.


Anonymous said...

Hi Cardblue,

Please try the pranayam (yogic breathing) techniques. They are very effective and thousands have been cured from various diseases including cancer. You can find those videos online by looking up "yoga for cancer english ramdev" in youtube. Also read the book "Cancer is not a disease" andreas moritz, very good information. Also don't let yourself self pity or think of yourself as a victim, this will only strengthen your identity as a diseased person and prevent healing. Just love every moment and let things happen as they should. Read near death experiences in All this will inspire you and heal you. Good luck and god bless.


Anonymous said...

K--Love every moment when breathing is barely possible or a tumor is pressing on a nerve in your spine? This is apparently well meaning but to say cancer is not a disease is willful ignorance of science and to have read this man's blog to any degree is to know that his perspective comes from love of life and family; from innate intelligence and diligent research; from enduring and describing so eloquently years of cancer without remission.

Ideas about breathing techniques and avoiding self pity in order to promote healing clearly suggest that responsibility for tumor metastasis is self-imposed. Having lost a loving, high-spirited father and two wonderful, happy young friends to cancer -- while watching bitter, selfish, cruelly controlling people thrive -- I firmly believe that fate is viciously random.

I'm sure there are wonderful tools to help provide relaxation, peace, acceptance (including writing and inspiring others). Let things happen as they should? Who gets to say if a beautiful parent of two young children and so much to offer the world should die? Who would if such control existed?